My mom Became Nun

When I saw pictures of my mom in her Nun avatar I could not hold my emotions. Could not stop myself from writing this long blog about me, my parents and Buddhism. I am really emotional, happy, proud and feel blessed that I am born as her daughter! I must have done some good Karma in my past life that I am born to my parents as their first child. If you ever found me kind it is because of my parents who always said "Have patience, Good Karma will bring you good!" Sometimes I also feel that the good things in my life are because of my parents good Karma! However, if you find me rude, it is because of the way you treated me or somebody else, badly for a very long time! You might not believe but in my family I'm the rebellious one, who always said "If you are too kind, people will take benefit of you, You have to be rude and selfish."

Like many people I had the misconception that Buddhism is not the religion for this modern cruel world where you get to see cruelty everyday. Because I thought only good people will understand your kindness and most people in this world are cruel. That is also the reason why I believe my parents are strong because they choose to keep themselves pure and honest even in this corrupted world. They say it does not matter what others understand, but what you understand is what matters. It was after my mom started going to Buddhist lessons (Pariyati Sikshya) that we all realized that there are many misconception of Buddhism. Honestly speaking, I do not think I was a true Buddhist then, I was born to a Buddhist family but I do not think we all practiced Buddhism correctly then either. I always wanted reasons or a pure logic behind every rituals we did! I was stubborn on existence of god and any other things considered supernatural. But as we started understanding the true meaning of Buddhisms after she went to the Buddhist Classes, I realized Buddhism is the lessons of life that is very useful in modern world. Hence, today I do not want to consider my self a Buddhist in terms of Religion but I do believe in Buddhism and wish to be a good Buddhist practitioner. 

From my understanding today, any one can be Buddhist. Today, I believe in past life, ghost, god, angel, devil, karma,prayers, luck and everything! I believe in every religion because Buddhism is not limited to one single god or goddess. Buddhism mean use of Brain(Buddhi). Buddhism helped me understand the limits and rules. 

No! Buddhism do not say "Kill yourself to save others". Buddhism is about Self Awareness, but at the same time doing things that would benefit the Mass. Doing the right thing at right time and be mindful. Siddhartha Buddha in his past life before being Enlightened gave his flesh to save the tigers but that does not mean you have to kill yourself to save everyone! That was just an example of Good karma. Just because he did so, does not mean you would let others use you for their benefit! My mom explained that you should help everyone who needs help but if they are someone who are using you for their benefit because they know that you will help them but they would not respect you later for your help then its okay to choose not to help such people who do not value good karma, or who do not respect your good deeds. 

I am always confused for being good (good according to today's society) and being bad but being good for yourself. I always have the conflict of good and bad in my mind because I want to be a good person but I am not strong enough to handle betrayal, corruption, or to forgive someone or even tolerate a wrong deed when I know it. I feel either guilty for not being able to make it right or I go crazy that I did not do anything to stop that wrong deed! I am still attached to everything in this world. I can't stop the negative thoughts when things go wrong. Its not easy to forgive or forget the people who made you feel bad. Choosing to be kind to people who treat you bad is not easy and that is why I think my parents are really strong. 

Anyways, I am a believer in Buddhist practice(not in a religious way) who would wish to understand Buddhism (100%) that is use brain more wisely and am still trying to be a better practitioner. However, here are explanation according to my interpretation and understanding on some questions or confusions that people have: 

Are all the Buddhist Vegetarian? or Do all the Buddhist need to be Vegetarian? 
- No, being vegetarian or non vegetarian is one's will! Buddhist are suppose to be non-violent as in not take animals life for their wish, however, for some people who lack protein and meat being a very good source of protein, it is okay to eat meat if they want to! But, if you eat any food in large quantity just because you like it's taste or wasting it because you don't like its' taste then you are not being wise! You have to eat a balanced diet which mean eating everything in right amount and in right time! It is okay to eat any food served for your survival but must be mindful of the amount you are eating and not wasting food, for there are many people who don't even get to eat food once in a day. 

Is it okay for a monk or nun to eat non vegetarian? 

- Monk and Nuns feed on foods served to them by the people in the society! They accept whatever is served! Since being non attached to wish or demand is one of the Buddhist practice a wise monk and nun would generally not demand for certain kind of food! However, they can talk about their restrictions in foods because of their health issues! Monks and Nuns generally do not complain on what is being served and it is not necessary that this should be practiced just by monks or nuns. It is a way that you are respecting the fact that you are at least getting to eat. 

Why do monks or nuns shave their hair?

- Hair and nails are examples of attachment! Buddhist lessons teach principles of detachment! Cutting hairs and nails is like a first step to detachment!

Do we also need to wear the robe and go to monasteries to be Buddhist?

-No, Anyone can be Buddhist, in fact anyone can be Buddha(the enlightened one). Siddhartha Buddha is one example of Buddha known to the world, who shared his knowledge around the world. There are many other Buddhas known to limited groups hence, there are different ways how people follow Buddhism and represent the Buddha. As I say Buddha is the state of mind where you are enlightened and free from all the attachments, the day when I am free from all kind of attachment, understand sorrow, happiness, ups and downs of life and yet not feel overwhelmed by problems and overexcited with good news, I can be Buddha. 

Do you have to leave everything, home and meditate all 24/7 to become a Buddha ? 

-No, Siddhartha the Buddha leaving home/his palace is again another example of detachment. Meditation in Buddhism that I know has another meaning and that is to be in the present moment. It is really difficult to be in the present moment. We are often worried about our future or our past. Meditation does not mean to just sit and focus on one thing! Meditation in Buddhist practice is to be aware of present situation, be aware of your body response, be aware that you are having negative thoughts and not be worried by that or being aware that you are having good thoughts and not feeling over excited with that! Many Buddhist Practitioners, however, do sit and meditate to practice to bring their mind and body in present situation. Once you master that practice you might be meditating even when you are eating, talking, walking or doing your everyday task! Hence, there is eating meditation, walking meditation, and the best well known and most practiced is breathing meditation.

Why am I writing this today?

-Because I need to remind myself once in a while that Nothing is permanent and I know so many good things but I'm not practicing it well! Sometimes its all about keeping you mind healthy. It is not easy to be mindful. But being mindful will definitely make me a better person! Sometimes if feels like a mind game which I'm losing but when I see my parents, I want to keep up the fight because one day I'm gonna win! I need to have patience, eat on time, help but those who are worth of my help, not let others misuse my kindness but yet not lose hope in kindness, learn to detach myself from at least things that are causing harm to me, and most important practice meditation to bring myself back to my present moment! 

Mom dad you really are the reasons for my existence! May you get more enlightened faster so that you could enlighten us too 💗😊🙏. Thank you for always being there to inspire me to be a better person.

I'm sorry that I'm Depressed

I'm sorry Mom, Dad and my brothers that I'm depressed again! I know you understand that its not under my control but it keeps returning and it is frustrating! When we realized I was going through depression for the first time I thought it was because of my failure! I still hate to fail! I hate it when I am not doing good at all. I know failure is part of life, ups and downs is part of it. But in all that, what helped me best was expressing myself, how i felt! And without your support I could not have been able to over come it. I'm going through same feeling again but its not worst as before and as usual, I am not being able to share any of these feelings with you or with anyone else, or even thinking of it makes me feel like crying!

The only way I could put my feelings into words is through journals. I'm sorry that I kept it hidden from you and all I said was that "I'm doing fine". But its just getting worst! More I try to hide my situation more it get worst! And I did not want you to worry for me. But I choose to fight it back again so I'm sharing again and publicly because I know its not just me who go through such situations! Moreover, this time I'm aware of my situation and I've started taking preventive measures!

I'm not sure for how long will I stay depressed, for how long will I feel like crying for no reason, for how long will I feel guilty for feeling this way, but I'm gonna love myself more than I used too. I swear I'm not gonna let depression win because I hate to fail especially not in life! I'd rather leave what's causing me to feel this way. I'd live for myself and for you and for the people like me. I will take care of my self more than I used to. Seeing the positive side of this situation in my life, I got the opportunity to do MC for "International Buddhist Conference" trying to divert my mind from it, where I got to meet and learn a lot of things about Buddhism and being positive. That was one of the best thing that happened in my life. Then when Earthquake happened, a day before I was really upset and was going through depressive mood again, but earthquake actually gave me reasons to live! I got chance to be part of Leo Club where I got more opportunity to be of help to people! So now its happening again! May be when they say "if you are going through worst feeling a major change is about to happen"  I am looking forward for some major changes in my life and they all will be good changes for me for sure! Because I choose to live and fight, no it is not easy and all that has helped me is either diverting my mind from it completely, keeping my self busy or sharing!

This time even though I tried to divert my mind and keep my self busy its not going away at all, I had tried to be busy as much as possible but one thing that I was not doing was talk about it to anyone so that is the reason I'm writing this today!

I feel super angry/irritated these days again with small irresponsible activities of others or myself.  "THE FEELING OF BEING STUCK IS THE WORST". Not being able to move on makes me feel mad most of time but they say "we need to cut down the negative people and surround ourselves with positive people!" That is one of the major change that I'm trying to do. Also this time you need not worry as much as my last time because even though I'm here alone, I'm by myself and I'm daughter of two super positive people! I have cut down few of the negative people in my life and even though I'm feeling worst, I will try my best to stay positive or at least try not to worsen the situation! That I'm quite sure of! Why am I saying this?  Well you might have guessed but I need to pour down my frustration somewhere and if I don't do that it worsen my situation! So I'm gonna do that either through other activities when possible or through Facebook! Like I used to do! Just Don't worry if I have strong, heart breaking or touching or dangerous updates sometime! I'm just pouring my frustration and once I say it loud and clear it helps me calm down! I'd rather worry if I don't get place to pour my frustrations! For some, its screaming, for some its through sports or meditation for some its cooking! I don't care what others are gonna think of me but it matter that you are not feeling bad for me and All I wanna do is make you feel proud! I don't know if I should share this or not but I have/had come to a situation where I was/am not taking good care of my self! But I do realize that I'm not doing good so I'm seeking help at the right place this time! Not from wrong people! From people who understand these things and will probably help me the right way, so please don't worry!

For rest of the world, if you see me low or hyper or in different mood or changed whatever, just know I'm going through this! if you expect me to explain you in five minutes sorry I can't, and I don't want to have a discussion over how come I feel this all of a sudden or how come I not feel that way! I don't know if its been 100% accurate but from what I've understood over the internet and the people who have studied these things I just know that it is coming back! And I don't want it to come back at all! If I have to ignore you to get better I will do that! Just know that I felt bad about it but you are just not positive enough to inspire me. I'm sorry I just said that, it's not that I hate you but I just know, not everyone can understand this feeling and I don't want you to feel bad that you could not help me! But I have to be true and honest, I can't say you are helping me be better when you are making it worst! You might be trying to do so, I understand your intention but its not helping! Isn't it better to allow me some time to recover than to interrupt my procedure to get better! Honestly, I would respect you more if you help me by staying away rather then being there for me but not helping at all! They say "if you can't help don't worsen it as well!" That is exactly what I want from everyone for people like me who are suffering from depression! I want to take care of my feeling more than of anybody else! I'm sorry that I have to do this, I'm sorry, that I may not be who I used to be. I'm not someone who would ignore how others feel and hurt someone intentionally but I'm sorry if my words hurt! I am better at expressing my self through written words than spoken because it kind of gives me time to reflect back and see that I'm not hurting someone! Again going through how I've been brought up, we should never hurt anyone,  of course people remember one wrong thing you did than 100 good things you did so I'll try to be as mindful as possible but let me recover! Its like a circle that I'm stuck in:  I'm feeling this way because I'm not being/doing good. I act wrongly because I'm feeling this way. I feel bad because I acted stupidly! I feel this way again because I acted stupidly!

So I want to break that chain! Let me be mindful, give me a little more time, Will try to recover without hurting anyone! Try to recover without being evil but I need to let that evil in me come out some way because more I suppress more its bothering me! And I swear the evil in me is not too bad its just a little too straight forward or bitter I guess and some time more mischievous so from my last time Facebook Post If I should allow the evil come out I am allowing it just to balance my life, hoping it would help me get better!

Having said that, Actually, written all that I feel way better! And at one point might feel that now that I'm feeling better may be I should not post this! It might just worry my parents or make others who don't understand depression as something stupid or not worth reading but I will still post this because My situation might not be worst as many of you who are going through major depressive moods but trust me sharing your feeling no matter how bad, sharing does help!

There are many people who are gonna judge me after this post and I am someone who is scared of being judged as wrong but today: I DON'T CARE because you know what I JUST WON another BATTLE AGAINST DEPRESSION! That is what matters to me more than anything else! "