I'm sorry Mom, Dad and my brothers that I'm depressed again! I know you understand that its not under my control but it keeps returning and it is frustrating! When we realized I was going through depression for the first time I thought it was because of my failure! I still hate to fail! I hate it when I am not doing good at all. I know failure is part of life, ups and downs is part of it. But in all that, what helped me best was expressing myself, how i felt! And without your support I could not have been able to over come it. I'm going through same feeling again but its not worst as before and as usual, I am not being able to share any of these feelings with you or with anyone else, or even thinking of it makes me feel like crying!
The only way I could put my feelings into words is through journals. I'm sorry that I kept it hidden from you and all I said was that "I'm doing fine". But its just getting worst! More I try to hide my situation more it get worst! And I did not want you to worry for me. But I choose to fight it back again so I'm sharing again and publicly because I know its not just me who go through such situations! Moreover, this time I'm aware of my situation and I've started taking preventive measures!
I'm not sure for how long will I stay depressed, for how long will I feel like crying for no reason, for how long will I feel guilty for feeling this way, but I'm gonna love myself more than I used too. I swear I'm not gonna let depression win because I hate to fail especially not in life! I'd rather leave what's causing me to feel this way. I'd live for myself and for you and for the people like me. I will take care of my self more than I used to. Seeing the positive side of this situation in my life, I got the opportunity to do MC for "International Buddhist Conference" trying to divert my mind from it, where I got to meet and learn a lot of things about Buddhism and being positive. That was one of the best thing that happened in my life. Then when Earthquake happened, a day before I was really upset and was going through depressive mood again, but earthquake actually gave me reasons to live! I got chance to be part of Leo Club where I got more opportunity to be of help to people! So now its happening again! May be when they say "if you are going through worst feeling a major change is about to happen" I am looking forward for some major changes in my life and they all will be good changes for me for sure! Because I choose to live and fight, no it is not easy and all that has helped me is either diverting my mind from it completely, keeping my self busy or sharing!
This time even though I tried to divert my mind and keep my self busy its not going away at all, I had tried to be busy as much as possible but one thing that I was not doing was talk about it to anyone so that is the reason I'm writing this today!
I feel super angry/irritated these days again with small irresponsible activities of others or myself. "THE FEELING OF BEING STUCK IS THE WORST". Not being able to move on makes me feel mad most of time but they say "we need to cut down the negative people and surround ourselves with positive people!" That is one of the major change that I'm trying to do. Also this time you need not worry as much as my last time because even though I'm here alone, I'm by myself and I'm daughter of two super positive people! I have cut down few of the negative people in my life and even though I'm feeling worst, I will try my best to stay positive or at least try not to worsen the situation! That I'm quite sure of! Why am I saying this? Well you might have guessed but I need to pour down my frustration somewhere and if I don't do that it worsen my situation! So I'm gonna do that either through other activities when possible or through Facebook! Like I used to do! Just Don't worry if I have strong, heart breaking or touching or dangerous updates sometime! I'm just pouring my frustration and once I say it loud and clear it helps me calm down! I'd rather worry if I don't get place to pour my frustrations! For some, its screaming, for some its through sports or meditation for some its cooking! I don't care what others are gonna think of me but it matter that you are not feeling bad for me and All I wanna do is make you feel proud! I don't know if I should share this or not but I have/had come to a situation where I was/am not taking good care of my self! But I do realize that I'm not doing good so I'm seeking help at the right place this time! Not from wrong people! From people who understand these things and will probably help me the right way, so please don't worry!
For rest of the world, if you see me low or hyper or in different mood or changed whatever, just know I'm going through this! if you expect me to explain you in five minutes sorry I can't, and I don't want to have a discussion over how come I feel this all of a sudden or how come I not feel that way! I don't know if its been 100% accurate but from what I've understood over the internet and the people who have studied these things I just know that it is coming back! And I don't want it to come back at all! If I have to ignore you to get better I will do that! Just know that I felt bad about it but you are just not positive enough to inspire me. I'm sorry I just said that, it's not that I hate you but I just know, not everyone can understand this feeling and I don't want you to feel bad that you could not help me! But I have to be true and honest, I can't say you are helping me be better when you are making it worst! You might be trying to do so, I understand your intention but its not helping! Isn't it better to allow me some time to recover than to interrupt my procedure to get better! Honestly, I would respect you more if you help me by staying away rather then being there for me but not helping at all! They say "if you can't help don't worsen it as well!" That is exactly what I want from everyone for people like me who are suffering from depression! I want to take care of my feeling more than of anybody else! I'm sorry that I have to do this, I'm sorry, that I may not be who I used to be. I'm not someone who would ignore how others feel and hurt someone intentionally but I'm sorry if my words hurt! I am better at expressing my self through written words than spoken because it kind of gives me time to reflect back and see that I'm not hurting someone! Again going through how I've been brought up, we should never hurt anyone, of course people remember one wrong thing you did than 100 good things you did so I'll try to be as mindful as possible but let me recover! Its like a circle that I'm stuck in: I'm feeling this way because I'm not being/doing good. I act wrongly because I'm feeling this way. I feel bad because I acted stupidly! I feel this way again because I acted stupidly!
So I want to break that chain! Let me be mindful, give me a little more time, Will try to recover without hurting anyone! Try to recover without being evil but I need to let that evil in me come out some way because more I suppress more its bothering me! And I swear the evil in me is not too bad its just a little too straight forward or bitter I guess and some time more mischievous so from my last time Facebook Post If I should allow the evil come out I am allowing it just to balance my life, hoping it would help me get better!
Having said that, Actually, written all that I feel way better! And at one point might feel that now that I'm feeling better may be I should not post this! It might just worry my parents or make others who don't understand depression as something stupid or not worth reading but I will still post this because My situation might not be worst as many of you who are going through major depressive moods but trust me sharing your feeling no matter how bad, sharing does help!
The only way I could put my feelings into words is through journals. I'm sorry that I kept it hidden from you and all I said was that "I'm doing fine". But its just getting worst! More I try to hide my situation more it get worst! And I did not want you to worry for me. But I choose to fight it back again so I'm sharing again and publicly because I know its not just me who go through such situations! Moreover, this time I'm aware of my situation and I've started taking preventive measures!
This time even though I tried to divert my mind and keep my self busy its not going away at all, I had tried to be busy as much as possible but one thing that I was not doing was talk about it to anyone so that is the reason I'm writing this today!
I feel super angry/irritated these days again with small irresponsible activities of others or myself. "THE FEELING OF BEING STUCK IS THE WORST". Not being able to move on makes me feel mad most of time but they say "we need to cut down the negative people and surround ourselves with positive people!" That is one of the major change that I'm trying to do. Also this time you need not worry as much as my last time because even though I'm here alone, I'm by myself and I'm daughter of two super positive people! I have cut down few of the negative people in my life and even though I'm feeling worst, I will try my best to stay positive or at least try not to worsen the situation! That I'm quite sure of! Why am I saying this? Well you might have guessed but I need to pour down my frustration somewhere and if I don't do that it worsen my situation! So I'm gonna do that either through other activities when possible or through Facebook! Like I used to do! Just Don't worry if I have strong, heart breaking or touching or dangerous updates sometime! I'm just pouring my frustration and once I say it loud and clear it helps me calm down! I'd rather worry if I don't get place to pour my frustrations! For some, its screaming, for some its through sports or meditation for some its cooking! I don't care what others are gonna think of me but it matter that you are not feeling bad for me and All I wanna do is make you feel proud! I don't know if I should share this or not but I have/had come to a situation where I was/am not taking good care of my self! But I do realize that I'm not doing good so I'm seeking help at the right place this time! Not from wrong people! From people who understand these things and will probably help me the right way, so please don't worry!
For rest of the world, if you see me low or hyper or in different mood or changed whatever, just know I'm going through this! if you expect me to explain you in five minutes sorry I can't, and I don't want to have a discussion over how come I feel this all of a sudden or how come I not feel that way! I don't know if its been 100% accurate but from what I've understood over the internet and the people who have studied these things I just know that it is coming back! And I don't want it to come back at all! If I have to ignore you to get better I will do that! Just know that I felt bad about it but you are just not positive enough to inspire me. I'm sorry I just said that, it's not that I hate you but I just know, not everyone can understand this feeling and I don't want you to feel bad that you could not help me! But I have to be true and honest, I can't say you are helping me be better when you are making it worst! You might be trying to do so, I understand your intention but its not helping! Isn't it better to allow me some time to recover than to interrupt my procedure to get better! Honestly, I would respect you more if you help me by staying away rather then being there for me but not helping at all! They say "if you can't help don't worsen it as well!" That is exactly what I want from everyone for people like me who are suffering from depression! I want to take care of my feeling more than of anybody else! I'm sorry that I have to do this, I'm sorry, that I may not be who I used to be. I'm not someone who would ignore how others feel and hurt someone intentionally but I'm sorry if my words hurt! I am better at expressing my self through written words than spoken because it kind of gives me time to reflect back and see that I'm not hurting someone! Again going through how I've been brought up, we should never hurt anyone, of course people remember one wrong thing you did than 100 good things you did so I'll try to be as mindful as possible but let me recover! Its like a circle that I'm stuck in: I'm feeling this way because I'm not being/doing good. I act wrongly because I'm feeling this way. I feel bad because I acted stupidly! I feel this way again because I acted stupidly!So I want to break that chain! Let me be mindful, give me a little more time, Will try to recover without hurting anyone! Try to recover without being evil but I need to let that evil in me come out some way because more I suppress more its bothering me! And I swear the evil in me is not too bad its just a little too straight forward or bitter I guess and some time more mischievous so from my last time Facebook Post If I should allow the evil come out I am allowing it just to balance my life, hoping it would help me get better!
Having said that, Actually, written all that I feel way better! And at one point might feel that now that I'm feeling better may be I should not post this! It might just worry my parents or make others who don't understand depression as something stupid or not worth reading but I will still post this because My situation might not be worst as many of you who are going through major depressive moods but trust me sharing your feeling no matter how bad, sharing does help!
There are many people who are gonna judge me after this post and I am someone who is scared of being judged as wrong but today: I DON'T CARE because you know what I JUST WON another BATTLE AGAINST DEPRESSION! That is what matters to me more than anything else! "
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