Who Am I ?

You all know how I've been fighting depression now and again. And been trying to do things that sounds logical in trying or feels worth giving it a try. Now in that process recently I went for a meditation retreat. "While they teach us not to focus on thoughts and focus on the rise and fall of your abdomen and other methods to keep your mind out of those random thoughts, it is definitely not an easy job to do so..." you can try it... Just sit in a relaxed position and try to just focus on your breath for one minute. If you are a beginner it is difficult to focus on just your breath even for one minute so you should know that it is not gonna be easy... And definitely, was not easy for me either.

I had done some research and read some books on meditation so I was able to overcome a lot of frustrating moments with peace. However, i wished i knew some more. Anyhow, I feel that I have achieved what I went for and that is more important to me for now than achieving the ultimate knowledge or the "Nirvana".

While there were lots of things that I'd love to share I'd try to keep this blog focused on "Who Am I"

For a background, It would be seven years that I've been fighting depression but if I further dig up deep down its more than seven years. Those years when i did not knew what depression was and what caused them and how i dealt with them. It is seven years now that I know about it and I've been trying different ways to over come it. And if you read and research there are people who've suffered depression all their life.

Now coming back, in each and every counselling sessions I remember telling them " I was a rebellious child. I always felt and still feel that I'm the rude one among both my siblings. Or the one who is not well mature enough. Or the stupid one who always end up doing something very stupid.
And during the meditation too... it came out as a very sensitive issue for me. While there were all the other things that bothered me so much I was really triggered with my rebel nature. I tried to ask the teachers who guide us meditation but they would just say " Just focus on the rise and fall" Ignore everything... I did got frustrated at one point.. If my head is not clear how am I gonna focus on the rise and fall or am I here to clear my head by focusing on rise and fall.....? These things were really confusing. However, Something popped up...(I'd call it The Buddha or the Brain) ... So this is my own earning not learnt or heard but the knowledge that I gained by my self:

Who is rebel? "A person who rises in opposition or armed resistance against an established government or leader."- Google Dictionary.  So Buddha was a rebel too... First, he conquered himself against all those attachments or causes of suffering. Second, he changed the method of conquering the world. He has conquered half the world with peace and non violence and it seems to be continuing yet in these days. If you read all those self help books what they say are exactly what Buddha had said some thousand years ago. Now it could seem like I'm just trying to promote Buddhism as a religion but seriously ... I'm against this system of religion. I feel good that I'm born in a Buddhist family where I got to learn a lot about Buddhism however, I still don't want to call my self a true Buddhist yet. And my only religion is Humanity. And again, if I'm convinced by any statements and thoughts of any religion and if I find them logical I would want to share it or accept it. Again from what I've understood and learnt, Buddhism is not actually a religion but a way of life and Buddha is Brain. So it is just following your brain.

Now, coming back to me being rebel, I was like why do i need to suppress this nature of mine.  Looked back and I realized it had caused a lot of pain and I used to think being rebel is negative. Then the Buddha(The Brain) popped up: I've always believed Change is the permanent process it is not my fault that I am rebel it is their fault that they cannot accept the change. Next... When I say I am rebel.. it is me when I find or feel the need of change, Not all the time, not every moment. I would not say i need to change things or change myself when I'm happy or feel logical or content with it. But I can't help when I feel that it is illogical and I feel the need to change.

So while in retreat, I thought " I was always upset or it began with this rebel nature of mine. I was the reason for all the pain for me and my family and so and so ... and the blame game was going on and on... and then I do remember some of the points from those self help books which says "Forgive them, forgive yourself....". And then I was trying and even forcing to forgive and let go of all the negative vibes in me and accept the Positivity in me. Suddenly, i realized I had been able to forgive some people in my life who have caused an impact in my life for me to feel that way. I realized it is difficult to forgive when the roots of your beliefs are too strong. As soon as you change your perspective or belief, everything becomes quite easy. So ,what you believe really matters. I was forcing my self to say or think good of those people who somehow caused me to be in that situation. I was thinking of ways to be rebel in positive way.. and all in all trying to be all positive. And suddenly one day those people and those situation did not matter to me at all. I was like yeah! So it does work and now i can move on. As soon as I was able to analyse each and every situations and moments and people I was able to let go of those and move on one by one. Within day 5 my head was clear and no wondering thoughts or no negative thoughts and that day my mind was in complete peace.

Now I do know that I still need to live on and I might get affected again because what I cleared in those 5 days are the ones that I've lived in past. Now I might get affected in the future. And still being just a human and not the enlightened one I do doubt that I will get affected with things and i might not know how to deal with those situations I've never dealt before... but for now I feel back to being pure and honest just like a newborn kid. Because during all those times of depression.. i was either blaming myself, feeling bad about myself, feeling worthless, or ....... But today whoever I am, however I am, I love myself and Love the way I am. So Self Love is really really important.

What I also realized about myself was I love to see everyone happy. While the four noble truth is: there is suffering, there is a reason for suffering, there is a solution for suffering, and we can heal suffering. I wanted to know or I wished, I could learn to know how to be happy even when we suffer. These things are yet to be known to me but then so far what i could say is suffering also depends on your definition of suffering. What is suffering to you ?

My suffering was not being able to make everyone happy. Not being able to accept myself. Things not happening the way I want. While I love to see everyone happy and while I'm blessed that I could understand other people and their view, i was suffering because they were not understanding my view. They would not understand why am I acting certain way But then the Buddha(my brain)  replied is it their suffering or is it mine? Could it be it is theirs suffering that I'm living?  Is it my fault that i understand them or is it theirs that they can't understand me, or others as much as I could to some extent. Is it them who are not appreciating your views or is it you who is not appreciating yourself? You are a beautiful human being just the way you are. You want to see good in all which is very rare now... why are you hurting yourself for being able to see good in all? Why are you not valuing the good person within you? Why is it so difficult to accept that you love to see good in all? And you don't like to be angry and you feel hurt when you are angry ? As soon as that suffering was theirs and not mine believe it or not more than half the suffering was gone. When I answered some of the following questions to myself almost all the sufferings were gone. And those questions were :
Why was I hurting myself ? Can i change the way i think and value that i can see good in all and just be happy that I CAN while They CAN'T? What is it that is causing me to suffer. Why am i being bothered, Is there a different way to look at this situation...  such questions really helped me.

Now the final lesson and possibly the answer to Who Am I :

So in meditation process, they teach us to divide sub divide everything up. (And this knowledge I understood after I came back but not while in the retreat.) Everything that comes up in your life, mind everything... first watch them carefully.. observe them and then whenever possible group them in pieces or divide them whichever seems possible and then analyse them one after the other. When you understand them and their nature you learn to deal with it. Like I said I am rebel and I'm peace lover which are hard to go together but when I break them in to pieces .. rebel is me when I want to bring some changes.. peace lover is me wanting to see everyone happy in every situation, but that is not me at the same time so who am I ? There is no me.. There is me only when I combine them all.. but when they are all gone.. when i let go of all that there wont be me!

So as per my understanding .....when the Buddha let go of all those pieces of him, he got the enlightenment. But for me I still want that rebel me for some situations. Still love my loving kind nature. So I am not yet ready to let go of me. I am all of those you think of me.. I am the good and I am the bad. I just need to accept it and not suppress it. Because that is part of me. And now I just want to nurture the ones that would help me be happy and let go of ones who would harm me.

All I need to know now, is even though there is no me, i'm living in this world who values someone for who they are and I'm still attached and while I'm still alive let me love myself, assemble all parts and be me. While the teachings says the ultimate goal is to reach Nirvana or be freed from the cycle of sorrow and happiness.. I just want to live my life happily and if i get confronted by the sadness I want to be able to overcome it or even over power them with my positivity and live my life to the fullest. That is all I want.

Again who am I ? I am all of what you think of me but then dissemble me and see me, who am I? I will be left with nothing.  :) 

Being Depressed & Being Sarcastic

So I came up with this post in Facebook:  10 Things People Batteling With Depression are Tired of Hearing

Of course I'm tired too.. but today I just wanted to try a different version of response so that i could share how i feel, how i try to stay positive even after this depressive depression & how i keep fighting! So here it goes,it said:

1) "It's all in your head" : Its all in my head coz I love over thinking & all negative! Its such an amazing feeling! May be god loves me so much that he send me all these negative message in my head to think of how negative this world is Or how negative i have become Or how important it is for me to feel positive and feel better.

2)"Snap Out of it": If snapping and getting out of this was that easy I would snap all day! ......

3)"Just Try Harder" : Well to fight every day "to live or not?" is definitely not easy. To have suicidal thoughts, feel nothing and yet choose to live even after knowing that i'm gonna feel guilty especially when people wont understand & that I have such thoughts and I can't help getting rid of it, while also knowing that people who love me will be shattered to know how i feel and yet i have to share this with them because i'm scared that this situation will overpower me and i will do something wrong that i should not! if that is easy for you then it is hard for me!

4) "Just pray about it": Let me share you a story here:: When I was a kid, I had this dream to be the good person that we see in TV or read about, who sacrifices him/her for others or do so much for others so I always got confused what to pray or wish to god so that i'll be that good person who would pray good for everyone so I made up this line, "Make everyone Happy", "Make everyone's wish come true" When we used to go temples it was like automatic in my mind even though sometimes i wished to wish something for myself i would say that. Later when i grew up & my life started feeling chaotic & I started feeling bad about this selfish world where i realized people could use me & did felt used so many times, but then I still wanted to be a better person & keep on praying good wish for everyone & i knew he would listen to me so i said "I might wish something bad when i loose my mind because of this selfish world. Don't listen to me at that point & not everyone wishes good for everyone so don't make everyone's wish come true either & please listen to people who needs you more than me! I'm your special child and i know you wont put me in trouble.. But then I am close to him you know he does listen to me when i have wished bad and i felt bad and he may be started ignoring me too or may be He has been so busy taking care of others that he now has forgotten me may be or the list of others are so long that its gonna take like forever for him to get to me or can't deny the fact that there are more other people who needs him more than i do so he is just trying to fulfill that old wish which has just not allowed my other wish to come true, which is to feel better.

5. "You're just being dramatic": Sure I love the attention & enjoy that awkwardness when people come up with questions like " Whats wrong with you?, What happened? Why are you acting this way? "You just acted so well" I love this you know.

6."Stop being lazy": You have no idea, How fun it is to be lazy, lay on bed, cry, feel guilty, and not have the courage to face the world because the world thinks you are just being lazy! & more fun is when you either sleep continuously for days & not even eat or just eat one meal a day or not sleep at all for couple of more days... & yet have nothing finished. To see all the dishes and dust, and dirty environment, is just the fun you have never ever had! More fun is when you finally get the guts to say okay i'll spend some time outside but then you say whom do you need to impress and you go out in your sports wear, and or clothes that is not been washed and you have not had time to wash your clothes because you were enjoying being lazy! And when people look at you awkwardly because you have no make up, not good hair you just know you are just too awesome you have nothing to do and yet people look at you! Another Awesomeness is when you get inspired to finally work on your daily duties at least and work just a little more to look that you have not slept for so many days you get questions like " Are you going on a date?" "Is something special today?" See the positive side, when you are lazy all day, you feel special even on a regular day. When it is a day to day thing for others it becomes special thing for you! isn't that awesome ?

7. "You're Crazy": Yes! I am! You see how many things go around my head & how many options pop up trying to be positive yet not positive & getting crazy and trying not to think and yet thinking and getting frustrated, trying to live healthy & yet not healthy & feel irritated ? It's rather easy to accept that I'm crazy than having to explain what's going on!

8. "You're hopeless": To finally be able to cancel all the plans to stop your life which just pops up in your mind and yet hoping things might change tomorrow is being hopeless then yes i'm hopeless.

9."You're weak":To not be able to control your emotional changes, mood swings, and not having control over your life is being weak then yes I'm weak.

10."You're always sad": Why not? I'm sick & tired of trying to fight over this stupid thing and Its not fun! But let me tell you, When I am good and in better state I do have people come to me and say you are so much fun to be around so I know I am not all negative, & I'm not always sad.

I'm struggling, suffering, & I have low self esteem once in a while but Every cloud has its silver lining! I give up on lots of things because I'm not being of help to them or to myself! Not just because I just don't want to & I'm not selfish for that because I think of others too and I feel bad that my situation is giving problem to everyone who is related to me!

But still if you think its kinda publicity stunt & because I love this drama/ attention then Thank you very much for your concern but I want to be with positive people & I am trying to seek more help every time I post about my depression.  I hope some positive people would know about it, read even the unnecessary details and help me get rid of this situation. When positive people get to know about my situation they do try and suggest different ideas to help through! Of course it is difficult for me to do everything they suggest and just get fine in a snap! but I'm trying! However, if me & my tantrums bothers you that much,feel free to leave my life you are not bounded in anyways! At this point of my life all That I wish for is feeling good myself, be cured, get some peace and be in the positive environment

I understand not every person who says i understand, understand however I appreciate each of their effort to help me feel better. But if you are tired of helping me & you help because you feel your are bounded to do so, you don't have to. It is a free world and you don't have to do it! because, I completely understand that its not helping you nor is it helping me!

Also I feel that help should be free will not because you have to help or you are bound to! If you can't help don't make it worst! The world does not revolve around me but again at this point me, myself, my healthy life & its stability is all that matters!

I'm sorry for losing my control over myself & I'm sorry for the inconvenience that I might have caused because of my situation but i'm not sorry That i'm depressed! It's not my choice to be depressed! Help if you can, don't worsen it if you can't!